God Never Intended for Families to be Broken

God never intended for families to be broken. But we still live in a world with a lot of broken families. I am familiar with this because I come from one. I am sure I don’t remember the struggles my mom/dad/step-dad had as I grew up with the intensity that they felt those struggles at the time, but I do know that it wasn’t easy. Now I am the stepparent and almost every day I tell myself “God never intended for families to be broken, and that is why this is so hard”. I repeat this so that maybe I will be a little easier on myself when, at the end of the day, I inevitably feel like I was a complete failure as a stepparent.

Today I am feeling like that because I read this incredible blog that a friend posted called 20 Things I Want My Daughters to Understand about Being a Woman. When I clicked on the link I fully expected to identify with all of the things and want to share the link myself because those would be the same things I wanted my stepdaughter to understand about being a woman. Instead I read the blog and thought, “how do I teach these incredibly important concepts to a child I barely get to know?” Parenting is hard work. It is the hardest and the most important work a person can do. It is made that much harder when you have limited amount of time to do it.

I could have shared the link and maybe everyone would read it and think that I was doing a great job investing time and wisdom into my step-daughter, but is that even right? The after math of reading this blog left me with a really uncomfortable feeling of not being enough as a step-mother.

Then I wondered if I was the only step-parent feeling this way. I thought about the hundreds of blogs that are likely out there dedicated to step-moms and step-dads who feel completely inadequate in the upbringing of their step-children… and then I thought – maybe someone can identify with what I am feeling and benefit from some of this truth.

As much as an encouragement to myself I want to share some of the things I feel like God is telling me through this situation.

1. The amount of time you spend with someone doesn’t matter as much as the amount of love you show them. Not the amount of love you have for them, but the amount of love you SHOW them. You might love your children immensely, but if you don’t show them they simply won’t know it. My step-daughter is a special case, because she has Williams Syndrome and emotions mean even more to her than they might to others. With that being said, this is a truth that I believe is true regardless of the child. The most important thing that I can do as a step-parent is to love well. No matter how much time we have together, and no matter how difficult it sometimes can be – the one thing she will remember is how I made her feel. If she walks away feeling anything but loved then I have not done my job as a stepparent.

“WE LOVE BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US” 1 John 4:19

We have a great example of the kind of love we are to give.

2. The amount of time you spend with someone doesn’t matter as much as the amount of time you spend praying for them. This is true for all of the people we love. 1 Timothy 2:1 urges us “that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people” and if we truly believe in what the Word tells us about our Father and our prayers to Him then wouldn’t we pray? Wouldn’t we earnestly pray without ceasing? Truthfully, that is how you know how much you genuinely love someone – by looking at the amount of time you spend praying for them. One of the keys to this, I think, is that we not only pray for our children, but we pray for their parents. We are fortunate to be in a co-parenting situation with someone we can have open communication with and who we know loves well. Not everyone is. In fact, I would venture to say most people who are trying to make parenting/step parenting/co-parenting work are trying to make it work with someone who doesn’t make it easy. Nevertheless, if we love our children we pray for them and we pray for their caregivers. We pray for health, wisdom, goodness, financial blessings, and peace over their lives. First, because that is how God has taught us to love; and second, because those prayers directly impact our children’s lives as well.  

These might be simple truths to many, but for me they made an impact on who I am and who I will be in the future to my step-daughter. God never intended for families to be broken – and it is incredibly hard. But if I make it a point to show her I love her and I earnestly pray over her life and the life of her mom, then I know I am making a difference. I might not be able to make the same impact as a mom, but I know God has placed me in her life for a reason and I don’t want to waste that. I want to be a good steward of my position as her step-mom and teach her those 20 Things, but more importantly I want her to know she is loved and I want God to continue to watch over her life. If that is all I can do, it is enough. 

A Father's Heart

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and, because I am nine months pregnant, I knew that meant I would be awake for a while. For some reason, as I lay there thinking about how we could raise our little baby to be a mighty warrior, I began thinking of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Kyle and I had just read this story to Riley from the Jesus Story Book Bible a few days before. Even after the many times I have heard it, I still have a very unsettled feeling about this.

There is something overwhelming about Abraham’s faith and obedience when God calls him to sacrifice his own son. There is something unfamiliar and difficult to comprehend about the way Isaac loved and trusted his dad. We live in a broken world and many of us have broken relationships with parents. I suppose this impacts the way we process a story such as this one. Not just that we cannot understand that kind of trust from a son to a parent, but that we cannot really understand that kind of faith from a child to His God.

I know myself well enough to know that Abraham’s faith is something I may never truly comprehend. In fact, when we finished reading the story to Riley she seemed a little confused also. She asked Kyle why Abraham would kill his own son. Kyle’s response was simply, “because God asked him to”.

God has asked me to do a lot of things. I can honestly say that I have delayed obedience or been disobedient a lot in my life. He has never asked me to make a sacrifice like the one He asked Abraham to make. Likely because He knows my faith falls short of that of one who belongs in the Hall of Faith.

As we approach this season of being new parents to a baby boy, something has changed in my heart regarding the way the story of Abraham and Isaac impacts me. Even before I was a parent I knew that this ask from God was more than most people could ever bare.  This season of preparation to be a mother has been filled with a lot of worry that our baby would arrive safely and be healthy and well for years to come. It has brought me to a place where I have worried and wondered how I would react if something were to happen to our son. I pray for his protection several times a day and just ask that God would never bring me to a place where I would have to know the loss of a child. I suppose that is why this story had me up last night thinking.

I thought about the thoughts and feelings of Abraham as he watched his boy, the son he prayed so long for, carry the wood for the sacrifice. I thought about the doubt he may have felt as he bound his own child in preparation for the sacrifice. Yet I know that I cannot begin to truly understand what that must have been like.

Abraham loved God. He loved a God who is worthy of sacrifices like this one. He loved and trusted a God who is worthy of more than the greatest sacrifice we could ever give. Then I thought about that same God’s love for us. We, an unworthy people, are very well loved by a worthy God. And while we fail to give him the sacrificed He deserves, He did not fail to give us the ONE we didn’t deserve.

I think about the Father’s heart and how it must have stirred as He watched His own Son carry the wood for the sacrifice. I think about the Father’s heart and how it must have broken to experience the vast separation from His Son when He took on the punishment for us.

God provided a sacrifice for Abraham that day.  He spared Isaac.

God provided a sacrifice for us as well. He spared us all by not sparing His very own Son.

This song is a great picture of that love. As it says, “how deep the Father’s love for us - how vast beyond all measure”.

His love truly is immeasurable.

Mom vs Mom

There are so many things that I love about social media. I know that many people have a cons list, but I honestly love social media. I love keeping up with family and friends. I love seeing pictures of fun adventures – growing kiddos – and sweet animals. I LOVE to read blog posts that other people share. So, recently I have noticed a growing number of blog posts regarding parenting. Specifically how women feel the need to compare themselves or compete with other moms.

If you know me well enough, it won’t surprise you that these blog posts generally end with me crying. I don’t know what it is (other than these fun pregnancy hormones) but I really feel so sad to hear about moms feeling like they have to compete with other moms. From the time I was in high school I remember living with this deep seeded fear of being a mom. I was so afraid of ever taking on the task, simply because it seemed to be so difficult. I remember having conversations with older women about this. Talking about all the things you could potentially do wrong, and how every decision you make could potentially impact the lives of your children. I remember thinking how important it was to choose the right words, and to encourage your kids, to be patient and loving regardless of the circumstances, and how to foster good body image and call out the person they were created to be. I have felt overwhelmed by the possibility of being a mother for years.

Add to that this new fear of not being as good as other mothers. In the nine months that I have been a step-parent I have learned that I am not going to get it all right. I have learned that you give your kids grace and you give yourself grace. That the house won’t always be clean and that dinner won’t always be very good… or very homemade. Parenting is hard.

Now I am starting the fear cycle all over again with a new little baby. The worries all started over about whether or not I am taking good care of him even now by what I eat or if I am drinking enough water. I started worrying about what the baby hears even now, and how that might impact him one day. It might all sound stupid – but I promise, these crazy thoughts pop into your head and there is no controlling them.

Now this - over the past few months I have heard all kinds of comments about this growing baby. If you have ever been pregnant you can attest to the brilliant ways people find to insult you. “You are definitely having a girl because your face has gotten so wide”, “wow, you look really tired today”, “You are definitely having a boy because your butt is getting big already”, “Wow, I cannot believe you are only five months pregnant, your belly is so huge”, “ooh, you look really bloated today”. That last one wasn’t directed at me, but to my pregnant friend who told me about it later… So, with all of these fun compliments I have started to get a complex (who am I kidding? The complex has been here a while). So tonight I saw a picture of a fellow prego on social media and started thinking, I wonder if maybe my belly is too big for five and a half months. So I did what any sane pregnant woman would do…. and I Google imaged pictures of women who were 22 weeks pregnant to see how I matched up (yea, that happened). After a few minutes of that I felt pretty ridiculous. Do you want to know why? Because every BODY is different.

 And you know what? EVERYBODY is different.

Every mom is different, every kid is different, every situation is different. We are all doing the best we can where we are. I am inspired every day by moms on social media. I love looking at their Pinterest crafts, their cute photo ideas, games they play with their kids, places they take their little ones, and personal victories moms have every day.

I have to actively choose not to compare myself to other women, but instead to be inspired by them. God has given each one of us so many unique gifts. They aren't going to be the same, and that is okay. That is how He intended it to be.

So - let’s take a collective sigh of relief, moms. Let’s choose to grow together as people and as parents - because it is never going to be easy… but it is always going to be worth it. 

A Voice and a Choice

Luke 19:39-40

‘Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Him, ‘Teacher, rebuke Your disciples.’ But Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, if these become silent, the stones will cry out!’”

Psalm 69:34
“Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them”

Psalm 93:3
“The seas have lifted up, LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.”

Isaiah 44:23
“Sing for joy, you heavens, for the LORD has done this; shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the LORD has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel.”

Isaiah 49:13
“Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.”

God created the earth and seas to praise His name – and they do it so beautifully.

His creation sings praises out to Him, even beyond the earth.

The stars cry out in song:

God has created us with this same ability. He has given us a voice. The only difference is that He has also given us a choice.

We have a voice to praise Him – but we also have the choice to do so. We can decide whether or not we want to use our voice to bring praise to His name. The mountains and the seas glorify their Creator. The stars and the whales can collaborate in a praise song together to their Maker.

We too can bring glory and praise through our lives and with our voices.

It’s our decision alone - each and every day we get to choose. 

my graven image

“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image…” Ex 20:4 is probably not a verse a lot of us have been dwelling on lately. Idolatry, as far as sins go, is kind of out. We are more into things like, loving ourselves more than others, and gossiping… or maybe that is all the same thing.

In the exodus from Egypt, there was a real problem with the people of God worshiping an image of a calf. In that day and time it was not uncommon for people to have carved idols in their homes to worship. These little gods gave them some comfort. These days I still see little statues of Buddha, but interestingly enough that isn't “idolatry” that’s more of a trend – because Asia is cool, and Buddha has a cute gut?  

The truth is we are still worshiping idols today. I am not suggesting that we are purchasing tiny statues and worshiping them in our homes. Instead we are purchasing mirrors and worshiping ourselves. As believers, especially women, we have an image to protect. All of the “good” Christians are serving in some ministry, hosting people from their church in their home, in some fitness group, and a multitude of other things that would make wonder woman feel inadequate. Our multi-tasking life and trying to protect our own image can be quite exhausting!

 I am definitely not saying that it isn't important to be credible. After all, credible people are the most influential. There is a difference in credibility and perfection. We can only seek one, the other is made up of our own, true actions.

I left my house this morning and thought, “I can’t believe I didn't take the time to do the dishes last night” quickly followed up by the thought, “well, at least no one is going to be over to see them”. As if the only thing that really matters is whether or not people think that I made time to do the dishes last night… (PS. I didn't). I usually probably would not even notice myself thinking like this, but this morning God had me thinking about the images we worship today. One of mine is other people’s image of me. Interestingly enough, that is something I cannot control at all. We try! Social media gives us a great opportunity to try to manipulate what other people think about us. We spend a lot of time carving out our own image to dwell on. Perhaps the image we spend all our time protecting is the one we are worshiping.

In Ezekial 14:3 God says, “These men have set up idols in their hearts”

Not physical idols, but idols in their hearts. These might be the kind of idols we are walking around worshiping today. No one can see the unfaithfulness of it, so at least we look good on the outside.

The lyrics to a convicting Ross King song come to mind, “anything we can’t stop thinking of is an idol” – how much time do we spend thinking of ourselves and what other people will/might/are thinking of us?

Setting our minds on things above, as scripture tells us, keeps us from worshiping ourselves. Fixing our eyes on what is unseen, and dwelling on things above helps us to see ourselves as God intended. He is I AM, we are I AM NOT. 

“We must not worship something that`s not even worth it.
Clear the stage and make some space for the One who deserves it.”

A Mighty Warrior

A few weeks ago Riley went to Passion Kids, on the way home we asked her what she learned about and she explained the pond, the tent, the dance party and “the hero”. We pulled out her sheet and saw that she had learned about Gideon. We asked her questions about what he did and who he was and then read the story ourselves out of Judges on the ride home. The NEXT week we went to church with my sister and her family at 12 Stone and guess what the message was about…. Gideon. Kyle and I both looked at each other and kind of thought “how strange” but not much more. The next week… you guessed it, Gideon. At this point Kyle and started asking ourselves what God was trying to show us in the story of Gideon that was so important in OUR lives. The following Sunday we were listening to Charles Stanley speak and wouldn't you know it… Gideon. Finally, last night Kyle was looking at LifeWay’s website to see about getting a book and the home screen displayed a new Bible Study called GIDEON. We are convinced there is something very important for us to take away from the life and experiences of Gideon. From four different messages and our own reading, there are a lot of lessons to consider. On my way to work this morning these things hit me… I sent them to myself in a text message so I wouldn't forget. Although I feel sure that if I did, God would remind me again!

This is what I've gotten:

We all struggle with doubt sometimes. When God approached Gideon and called him a MIGHTY WARRIOR his first thought was, “Pshh, yea right! Me?” As believers we get down on ourselves a lot for doubting God’s words to us, and His plan over our lives. We are reminded in the gospel of Mark when the man says to Jesus, “Yes, Lord I believe. Help me with my unbelief”. It is not uncommon for us to believe, in faith, and then quickly doubt again what we know to be true. Gideon tested God. More than once he tested God, so that he could be helped with his unbelief. I don’t think God was “disappointed” in Gideon for doubting, He loved him just the same, just as He loves us even when we have doubts.

We all have a calling over our lives. As Charles Stanley spoke of this I couldn't help but get tears in my eyes. So many times I have thought, this calling is too big for me to accomplish… or, why would God call me to do something like this when I feel so incapable? The truth of the matter is, God has placed a calling on each of our lives and He is equipping us along the way to be prepared for that calling. Preparation is not always easy, but He works all things for our good and HIS glory. We can rest assured knowing that the God of LOVE has given us a task unique to our lives, and He is right beside us helping us to accomplish it.

Keep your eyes on God in the midst of the battle. When God sent the soldiers home that looked down to sip the water from the pool, I was convinced it was because He doesn't like double dipping. Kyle didn't buy that explanation, ha! Clearly God wanted to send only those who were aware of their surroundings and could focus on the battle before them, even in the moments of rest. In life we have to be aware that we are in a battle. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Eph 6:12). When we keep our eyes on God, and alert at all times that the enemy is fighting to destroy us, only then are we prepared to move forward.  

God will speak what is true even if it’s the furthest from what we believe. Gideon did not believe what God told him about his future. How often do we believe that there is no way God could love us as we are? God continues to speak these truths over our hearts: we are found, we are loved, we are redeemed, we are made clean, we are alive, and we have hope; IN HIM. No, we don’t deserve it. God has made us worthy by giving us the righteousness of His Son - and for that reason alone, we are His. We have been adopted as His sons and daughters and will remain with Him for eternity.

SO MUCH LOVE.

We may not have a lot, but with God we have more than enough. Gideon only had a few measly soldiers to bring to this battle against many. He knew there was no way they could win… without God. We may feel like we don’t have what it takes to pursue the calling God has placed on our lives. We might not even feel like we have what it takes to make it through the week financially.

God is enough. He is provider, and when we depend on Him we will ALWAYS have what we need. We have more than enough to do what He has called us to do because He MADE US and CALLED us Himself!

HE is a Mighty Warrior. Gideon may not have felt like a mighty warrior. I may not be a mighty warrior, but my God is. And… “I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind - The GOD OF ANGEL ARMIES is always by my side.” As Moses said, God if you don’t go before us, we don’t want to go (Ex. 33:15). We don’t need to feel capable, equipped, or ready. If God has called you, He will prepare you and He will go boldly before you.

Guard the Spring

“Above all else, guard your hear, for it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23

In all the instruction in the Bible, this verse says “above ALL else, guard your heart”

It is called the “wellspring” of life, because everything we think, everything that we do, and everything that we say comes from the “spring” of our heart.  That is why it is so important to guard it; to guard it against anything that is of this world, and therefore not of God.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”  Luke 6:45

Jesus told us in Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart”

And says in 1 Sam 16:7, “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

It is really easy for us to hide sin from other people. Unless confessed, we can easily pretend that everything in our lives is exactly as it should be. But God tells us here that He doesn't look at the outward appearance of man. The only thing that matters to God, is your heart. If God is looking at my heart, I know that is where I want to put all of my focus on “looking good.”

We spend so much effort guarding our appearances, especially as ladies. We watch what we eat, and we spend time exercising to “guard ourselves” from looking “bad”.

Think about it this way, how many of you would take cooking oil and wipe it all over your face? Wouldn't that be crazy? Talk about a bad breakout… We should guard our hearts the same way, just like we wouldn't cover our faces with something that we consider would make them less attractive. We also shouldn't subject our hearts to the filth of this world.

Now, you may not be able to see the “breakout” of your heart, but you will definitely be able to tell that something ugly is inside of you. Just like the verse says, good things come out of the good in your heart, and evil comes from the evil in our hearts.” If we are constantly surrounding ourselves with evil, on television, in music, and in the people that surround us, eventually our hearts are going to be just as bad. And it will start to come out in the things that we say, and the things that we do, whether we like it or not.

You might be thinking “evil” sounds a little harsh. Surely the shows you watch on TV aren’t “evil” and your friends, even though they don’t go to church, and they speak in a way that you would be ashamed to bring them around your pastor, you might still not consider them “evil.”

This is where we have to find out what God says about it…. After all, that is what really matters.

“The heart is deceitful above all things
       and beyond cure.
       Who can understand it?” Jer 17:9

Our hearts are naturally “evil” without God we can consider ourselves wicked. Every good thing comes from Him.

The law God gave to Moses has a lot to say about this evil – the command was that even if a man or woman stood in contempt (AKA had serious attitude) toward a judge or a pastor, they were stoned to death to purge the evil from the nation. Even children who were continually stubborn and did not listen were considered evil.  So the word “evil” might seem a little harsh, but this is how much God hates sin. He desperately wants to keep us from it.

We have been shown so much mercy in this. Though we are all sinners, and we are all prone to evil – the Lord loves us to much He has sent us His Spirit to guide us and help protect us from the evil of this world.

We need to continually be seeking the Holy Spirit to help guard or hearts against any evil thing - so that what flows out of our hearts will be good, and will be an example of Jesus, and His love.

Just like when you marinate meat in some kind of liquid, it will eventually start to taste like that marinade – our hearts are the same. If they are marinated in sin, they will start to become sinful.

A good way to guard your heart is making a conscience choice not to let our hearts “marinate” in sin. You will have to make serious changes in your lives. You would need to surround yourself with people who are working towards the goal of being like Christ. You would have to stop listening to music that continually talks about sin in a positive light, and you would need to stop watching anything on television or in movies that glorifies sin in any way. We would need to stop being entertained by the very things that put Christ on the cross.

These are not easy choices to make, and many people will chose not to make them. You will look different to friends, and to your family. But at the end of this life we will not stand for judgment before friends and family. We will stand before the One that looks at the heart, and He knows what effort you have put into guarding your heart against anything that is not of Him. He loves and cherishes His children seeking after Him and wanting to be more like Him.

 So may our prayer be Psalm 141:4, “Do not incline my heart to any evil thing…”

 God will help you to guard your heart when you earnestly seek to have a pure heart. And who would not want that kind of purity.

The Bible says in Psalm 24:3-5, “Who may ascend the hill of the LORD?
       Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false. He will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God his Savior.”

Just think about how much time you spend getting ready for the day. Imagine if we spent that time focused on what really matters. And if what really matters to God would really matter to us, our lives would be completely different. We would lived “blessed” and in the will of God.

I recently read this illustration, and that I think really makes sense of all of this.

Have you ever watched an icicle form? Dripping water freezes, one drop at a time. If the source of the water is clean, then the icicle will be clear and sparkle brightly in the sunlight. If the source of the dripping water is slightly muddy, the beauty of the icicle will be spoiled. Our character is formed in a like manner. Each decision we make, big or small contributes to the overall look of our character. We must be aware of each “droplet”. Every habit is born out of the source of your heart.  If the heart is pure, each drop of water will work in transforming us into the beautiful image of God.

Above all else, guard your heart. And when you feel like you are too weak to guard it yourself, cry out to God, He loves nothing more than to be the Guardian of your heart.