I am really sensitive.

I am really sensitive. Everything about me… my skin, my hair, my teeth, my stomach - but especially my emotions. If you know me, this comes as no surprise to you. I can almost guarantee you have seen me cry at least once, if not 15 times in front of you. I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am nervous, and for any other reason you might possibly be able to think of. While all this moisture in the eye area has not kept me from getting signs of crow’s feet, it has taught me a thing or two about myself.

It does not take much for me to become overwhelmed emotionally, and when I do I find myself saying exactly what I am feeling. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Hopefully there is not much ugly, but I know myself well enough to know I can’t leave that one out. When I don’t say what I am thinking out loud, I am saying it to myself, which can be just as bad. So while my blood pressure is rising, I can feel the tears coming on and my mind is racing - I have to pause. Please note, I am not very good at this. My dad is an incredible example of someone who is slow to speak and quick to listen… interestingly enough, his name is also James. James was the wise author of the verse which inspires this quality in believers. I have always admired my dad for his ability to be still.

I recently found myself in this position and I did stop. Instead of asking God for patience or perseverance I simply thought about how He made me.

I have an incredible need to be loved and when I sense that something is off with someone, I cannot go on until I have addressed this. This goes for everyone… I have stopped a cashier from scanning before to ask her what was wrong. I have stopped operators on telephone calls and asked them why they were upset. I just cannot go on like normal if I feel like there might be a problem. This might sound like typical “people pleaser” behavior, but I have found it is something more than that. I posted a blog not too long ago about impromptu “I love yous”. I have a need for those, and since I stopped looking for them from people, God has been kind enough to show me all of the times He tells me that He loves me throughout the day. Sometimes it’s with butterflies on my path, a perfect breeze at the right moment, or this morning… a coworker bringing me hot coffee right to my office (yea, God really loves me).

While thinking about this need for love I thought about God’s Word telling us that we were created in His image. That did make me stop. I KNOW that my character is not all from the image of God, but I truly believe this characteristic is. If I have a need to feel loved, a need to hear I love you, and a need to know everything is right in my interpersonal relationships – I know I have gotten this from somewhere. I stopped to think about how God likely has the same desire to hear “I love you” and to know we are in right relationship with Him. He created us as people with emotions and a desire for connecting with one another. He created us in Their image and I believe His desire is to have this same connection with each one of His children. To hear them voice their love and affection for Him, and to know that everything is right in their relationship. 

I now see this personal characteristic as His way of reminding me of how important it is that I tell Him just how much I adore Him.

This reminded me of something else my Dad shared with me. He advised Kyle and I in our marriage counseling to think of ourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of Himself… who being in the very nature, God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. HE humbled Himself to death, even death on a cross. HE left a Kingdom to come to a manger just so we could know His love. This is our example. To think of ME less, and others more.

I believe Paul’s words in Corinthians about love go further than just not being easily angered and into a place of stillness and faith. God, who holds the whole world in His hands, loves me. I can trust Him in any moment, with any person, regardless of the circumstances. Simply because I know He loves me, and because I love Him and He gives to those He loves. He gives peace, and hope, perseverance, patience, endurance, mercy, grace, and the ability to know that He is God. 

Parenting 101

I am not a parent, and have never had the opportunity to experience what it is like to parent, until recently. God has been teaching me so many lessons already. Some of them are sweet and wonderful, while others are difficult and make me cry. For those of you who are parents, you probably have this stuff all down, but for me, this is all new.

Even before I was old enough to consider having kids I was overwhelmed with what a huge responsibility that is. You and your spouse are responsible for the kind of adult your children will one day be. Your responses, reactions, and life choices will shape their outlook and perspective forever. Scary.

No parent is perfect, and although I would love to be the first, I know I won’t be either. I now have the opportunity to semi-parent my fiance's 7 year old daughter. This means praying, a lot, that God will fill in the gaps where I fail, and communicate love even when I don’t do it so well.

He is showing me that I am like this child. I require incredible patience, kindness and protective love. For me, this is not always easy - for Him, it is who He is.

Parenting requires laying down my own, sometimes selfish, desires and plans to put first another.  It requires careful consideration of words chosen (My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak… James 1:19) If you want, I can finish that verse, “… and slow to become angry.” yea...

Then I consider myself as a child and realize that I so often have chosen to do what I want instead of what I was instructed to do – and God did not get angry or lose His patience with me. Instead, He allowed me to make my mistake and then lovingly revealed to me why I should have done it His way, and then allowed me the opportunity to get it right.

I have, knowing the right way, chosen again and again to not listen and do things my own way. My heart has been proud, my thoughts have been selfish, and my motivations have been completely self-serving.

I get frustrated when I see these characteristics in a child… but He is teaching me to love like He does - which is not in frustration, but in complete and sincere acceptance. Discipline in love and forgiveness – instruct and be patient.

In a moment when I felt completely overwhelmed with this task, I stood inside a bathroom stall at Cracker Barrel, cried and asked God, “how can I ever do this well?” And He told me:

“Strength for today

Bright hope for tomorrow”

He will provide the strength I need today – and I have hope that tomorrow He will do the same thing. For great is HIS faithfulness unto me… and unto you.

Rest Assured

I recently heard someone use the phrase “rest assured” and have not been able to stop thinking about it since. The words rest assured ushers in a sense of peace and trust.

I can rest, because I am sure… there are few things in this life that actually merit the use of this phrase. In a world of unrest and striving, there are many things we are unsure of.

I have been grateful for many years to be a person who faith comes easily to. A very dear friend of mine struggles and questions issues of faith, and has told me on numerous occasions I should be thankful that I simply trust without anxiety about the details of why. She is right. But even for someone who comes to faith without questioning, there is little in this world we can have faith in... if anything at all.

With that being said, the phrase “rest assured” brings me peace and trust because of the simple truth behind it. As the psalmist said in 4:8, “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” We can both lie down and sleep – because we can be sure of this: the Lord. Not only will He make us dwell in safety, but He has promised us so much more.

“While they sleep He gives to those He loves” (Ps 127:2)

He has a plan for us – for a hope and future (Jer. 29:11)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matt 11:28-29

“And this same God … will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:19

“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” Rom 8:37

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Rom 8:38-39

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

We can rest because we are sure that God’s word is true, that His promises are for us, and that we have everything we need through the One who is peace.

“Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure” Psalm 16:9

Impacts

I had such a great dream last night. I woke up with these words on my mind, “I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you”.

This could have been inspired by the Grady billboards up and down the interstate, but I know it was bigger than that. In my dream there was an older man who was unable to breath. A friend and I gave him CPR and got him hooked up to an oxygen machine. As he began to breathe with the machine more regularly he took his mask off and said to me, “I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you”. I woke up and immediately thought about the life and death situation we are faced with each day. Not to physically save lives, but spiritually to save lives.

The people we come in contact with every day are facing this same situation. They are either walking down a path of sin towards death, or of righteousness through Christ and toward life. We have the incredible opportunity to help guide people away from death and into life. We are making KINGDOM impacts with our lives and the message we send by the way we live it. I just wonder how many people will say “I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you”, in Paradise.

We are God’s plan for humanity. There is not a plan B. 

The good, the bad, and the honest.

I have not been feeling too “bloggy” lately… I usually write when I feel inspired and grateful and like God has given me some sort of revelation. It has been a few weeks since I have felt any such inspiration/revelation. In fact, I have not felt much like myself at all. I think I have trouble with “appropriate” self-disclosure. I disclose almost everything to almost anyone. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should probably just stop reading now.

I feel like I may be transitioning from season to season, and I don’t much like it… although I am sure there is a benefit to this space in progression.

Lately, when I leave conversations with people I don’t feel filled like I normally do. I LOVE people – I know I am called to reach out and encourage people, and I am so grateful that God gave me a heart that is sensitive towards other people’s lives/hurts/victories. So this new place I am in feels foreign, and unfriendly. I have to push myself to be myself… I don’t even know if that makes sense. This blog is really honest, and probably not too inspiring – but I felt like I needed to voice where I am in case anyone else can relate. A friend of mine posted something the other day about social media being a highlight reel of our lives... only broadcasting the ups. I agree, and so I thought it might be time for a little social media low-light “real” because this is real life, and if no one can benefit from your lows, and there is not a lesson being taught – well, then what is the point??

So in my unbloggy, unfriendly, emptyish frame of mind, there have been a few sparks of light that have encouraged me along the way.

1    A few weeks ago I posted about wishing to be on an island like Patmos. Although I was kind of kidding, and followed with a joke about sports equipment… my real desire was freedom from fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and an environment where God could reveal something to me, as He did John. Obviously I didn’t think I would be writing a book in the Bible, but I was hoping for something from God to wake me up from this. Well, I recently moved and although I was very excited about the relocation I have really had a difficult time being in the new place. I have been feeling incredibly alone and not enjoying that feeling at all (my friends with children tell me that being alone is the only thing they ever wish for… NOT. ME.)

My dad actually called me a few days ago and I burst into tears when he asked me how everything was going. I am so grateful for him, and for the way he encouraged me to stay strong and faithful and that God had a plan. 

Over the last few days I have started to realize that I am getting exactly what I wanted… an island. Although I am now in one of the most populated cities in the country, my new apartment is serving as a place of solitude and an environment without distraction for God to teach me. The transition has not been easy, and I know I am still in the process, but I am feeling more hopeful now that I see how He is working it for my good (through no effort of my own) and for His glory (by Christ’s sacrifice alone).

2    I am a part of an incredible church in the city. I cried on Sunday morning on my way in, just feeling so grateful to have a church family like I do, and to get to serve with a beautiful group of people. Our pastor noted something in his message on Sunday that really struck me. God could have promised a land to the Israelites that was free of enemies and obstacles. He could have, but He didn't.  If the Israelites had walked into the promised land on their own they would not have had the experience of relying completely on God. If the spies had come back singing about the great land, yes it would have saved them 40 years in the desert and a lot of lives… but how would it have affected their faith? And ours? We read about God’s provision in the desert and it strengthens our faith that He will provide, because He always has. So, the fight was worth something incredible. This is encouraging to me because it reminds me that the hard times… the “fight” for faith and intimacy in my relationship with God… they will lead to a memory. A history of God’s faithfulness, even when I didn't “feel” Him at work. It means that one day I will look back and remember this difficult season, and I will be able to say “never once did I ever walk alone”.  He is faithful, and as the psalmist said, I will speak of His faithfulness to all generations.

3    I am surrounded by people that God is using to encourage me in this time of not feeling very encouraging myself. Even as I was writing this blog post I got a text message from my dear friend saying that I was on her mind and that she was praying for God’s peace and favor over my life. It is such a blessing to have people walking with you who are sensitive to the Spirit’s nudge to reach out.

4    I actually don’t need to know what the future looks like, or what the plan is – because I know and trust the Planner. He always has my best interest at heart, even when I don’t. His ways and thoughts are above mine, and I can count on Him more than I can count on my own deceitful heart. He knew the plan all along, before I was even a thought, and all I have to do is stick with Him and He will lead me.

  

5    The God of angel armies is always by my side… a lyric that will forever be a light in the dark times.

6    Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I AM WITH YOU; do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU AND HELP YOU; I WILL UPHOLD YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.” What a promise.

I am hoping that by my next blog post I will be myself again – maybe even a better version of self… less like “self” and more like… an elf. Just kidding :) 

I am trusting that this transition is progression, and that in the end I will look back in gratitude for the island and the obstacles. I know one thing -  I will be able to tell of His faithfulness along the way. He is faithful. 

Who is like Him?

I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other. Isaiah 45:5-6

There is so much wisdom in the book of Isaiah.

This verse alone is staggering to me. Recently I was in a situation where I saw the provision of God like I haven’t seen in a long time. Please don’t get me wrong, He provides exactly what I need right when I need it, but this was a blessing beyond what I could have imagined. My response to His gift was tears (obviously) and a question: “What kind of love is this?” It goes beyond anything that I have ever known, and then continues to surpass my imagination. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9) .. and I am so glad.

I limit God’s ability and love by thinking He will only do what seems practical. His gifts are so much bigger than that. His solution to our broken world was Jesus! Who would have ever thought that such a sacrifice would be made on our behalf? Seeing His character in the Word, I don’t know why I am ever surprised by the way He reveals His lavish love to me.

What is staggering though is in the center of this verse: “though you have not acknowledged me.”

It is our nature to love someone in response to their love for us – however, when someone treats us in a way that is unloving, the last thing we want to do is show them how much they mean to us. Our first response then is not love, but instead frustration or even anger, disappointment and maybe even abandonment. This is how we can know the source of true LOVE – it is given to us when we least deserve it.

God gives us strength when we have not even acknowledged Him, so that across the world all people can know that there is no one like Him. There is no one like our God. He is a God, not just of mercy, but also of GRACE. He continues to shower us with love we don’t deserve and withholds what we do deserve.

Who is like Him?

He speaks tenderly to us when we are in the desert, and feeling completely alone.

He leads us beside still waters, giving us just what we need when we are desperate.

He gives us rest.

He remains by our side, even to the end, and even when we are so prone to wander.

He LOVES us, with an unfailing and ever-present, perfect and steadfast LOVE. It goes beyond all we can imagine, and covers all of our broken places to make them whole again. He is Restorer… Redeemer… Emmanuel: God with us. THAT is love.

Holding my World

As I was walking into work this morning, I remembered a day about a year ago that I sat in my car in the parking lot watching four or five adorable squirrels rummaging through the pine straw eating breakfast. I had a soundtrack to this moment – Kristian Stanfill’s song “Holding my World” was playing on my iPod. I started crying (surprised?) as I thought about the faithfulness of God. These little squirrels reminded me of the lilies and the ravens that Jesus spoke about.

“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” Luke 12:27

“Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!” Luke 12:24

God takes care of those He cherishes. “…while they sleep He gives to those He loves” Ps 127:2 I am reminded of this by watching squirrels and listening to lyrics telling of God’s faithfulness

So I will not worry or fret

My God is the God who will never forget

All of his goodness and all of His promises

He’s holding my world in His hands

Even more so, this truth is being made evident in my own life. For no one tells of the faithfulness of God quite like God Himself. Over and over He has proven Himself faithful. He provides when situations are completely hopeless, He provides when I have not even asked Him. He provides more than I would consider asking for, and He gives with SO MUCH LOVE.

He does this for us so often. On Friday I was thinking about what He had done recently in my own life, blessing after blessing, and I just cried. In a “I cannot even breath right now” kind of way. He literally takes my breath away with His goodness. In conversation with friends I hear it over and over again… God provides, God loves, God gives to His precious children.

Psalm 89:1 is one of my favorite verses, it says “I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.” How can I do anything other than that?

I love having the opportunity to speak of the faithfulness of God, but no one can speak as loudly as God does with His generous hands. Giving us what we need, even when we don’t know that we needed it. Grace, mercy, peace, love, and for me…. couches!