The good, the bad, and the honest.

I have not been feeling too “bloggy” lately… I usually write when I feel inspired and grateful and like God has given me some sort of revelation. It has been a few weeks since I have felt any such inspiration/revelation. In fact, I have not felt much like myself at all. I think I have trouble with “appropriate” self-disclosure. I disclose almost everything to almost anyone. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should probably just stop reading now.

I feel like I may be transitioning from season to season, and I don’t much like it… although I am sure there is a benefit to this space in progression.

Lately, when I leave conversations with people I don’t feel filled like I normally do. I LOVE people – I know I am called to reach out and encourage people, and I am so grateful that God gave me a heart that is sensitive towards other people’s lives/hurts/victories. So this new place I am in feels foreign, and unfriendly. I have to push myself to be myself… I don’t even know if that makes sense. This blog is really honest, and probably not too inspiring – but I felt like I needed to voice where I am in case anyone else can relate. A friend of mine posted something the other day about social media being a highlight reel of our lives... only broadcasting the ups. I agree, and so I thought it might be time for a little social media low-light “real” because this is real life, and if no one can benefit from your lows, and there is not a lesson being taught – well, then what is the point??

So in my unbloggy, unfriendly, emptyish frame of mind, there have been a few sparks of light that have encouraged me along the way.

1    A few weeks ago I posted about wishing to be on an island like Patmos. Although I was kind of kidding, and followed with a joke about sports equipment… my real desire was freedom from fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and an environment where God could reveal something to me, as He did John. Obviously I didn’t think I would be writing a book in the Bible, but I was hoping for something from God to wake me up from this. Well, I recently moved and although I was very excited about the relocation I have really had a difficult time being in the new place. I have been feeling incredibly alone and not enjoying that feeling at all (my friends with children tell me that being alone is the only thing they ever wish for… NOT. ME.)

My dad actually called me a few days ago and I burst into tears when he asked me how everything was going. I am so grateful for him, and for the way he encouraged me to stay strong and faithful and that God had a plan. 

Over the last few days I have started to realize that I am getting exactly what I wanted… an island. Although I am now in one of the most populated cities in the country, my new apartment is serving as a place of solitude and an environment without distraction for God to teach me. The transition has not been easy, and I know I am still in the process, but I am feeling more hopeful now that I see how He is working it for my good (through no effort of my own) and for His glory (by Christ’s sacrifice alone).

2    I am a part of an incredible church in the city. I cried on Sunday morning on my way in, just feeling so grateful to have a church family like I do, and to get to serve with a beautiful group of people. Our pastor noted something in his message on Sunday that really struck me. God could have promised a land to the Israelites that was free of enemies and obstacles. He could have, but He didn't.  If the Israelites had walked into the promised land on their own they would not have had the experience of relying completely on God. If the spies had come back singing about the great land, yes it would have saved them 40 years in the desert and a lot of lives… but how would it have affected their faith? And ours? We read about God’s provision in the desert and it strengthens our faith that He will provide, because He always has. So, the fight was worth something incredible. This is encouraging to me because it reminds me that the hard times… the “fight” for faith and intimacy in my relationship with God… they will lead to a memory. A history of God’s faithfulness, even when I didn't “feel” Him at work. It means that one day I will look back and remember this difficult season, and I will be able to say “never once did I ever walk alone”.  He is faithful, and as the psalmist said, I will speak of His faithfulness to all generations.

3    I am surrounded by people that God is using to encourage me in this time of not feeling very encouraging myself. Even as I was writing this blog post I got a text message from my dear friend saying that I was on her mind and that she was praying for God’s peace and favor over my life. It is such a blessing to have people walking with you who are sensitive to the Spirit’s nudge to reach out.

4    I actually don’t need to know what the future looks like, or what the plan is – because I know and trust the Planner. He always has my best interest at heart, even when I don’t. His ways and thoughts are above mine, and I can count on Him more than I can count on my own deceitful heart. He knew the plan all along, before I was even a thought, and all I have to do is stick with Him and He will lead me.

  

5    The God of angel armies is always by my side… a lyric that will forever be a light in the dark times.

6    Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I AM WITH YOU; do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU AND HELP YOU; I WILL UPHOLD YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.” What a promise.

I am hoping that by my next blog post I will be myself again – maybe even a better version of self… less like “self” and more like… an elf. Just kidding :) 

I am trusting that this transition is progression, and that in the end I will look back in gratitude for the island and the obstacles. I know one thing -  I will be able to tell of His faithfulness along the way. He is faithful.